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| Whoever said that one quote about how our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.... well I don't really understand what they were talking about.
MY deepest fear, as I have been constantly learning over the past few months, is that I'm so worthless that my entire existence on this earth is moot. That in the grand scheme of things, I don't really matter. Especially to the people that I love. To put it basely, I'm terrified of not being special.
I don't really know what to do with this semi-newfound understanding. There was a speaker last Sunday who spoke about the reason why the Christians were losing ground instead of gaining ground. He said that we didn't see the world the way Jesus did. That Jesus was not afraid of the world. That we, seeing the world as a threat, rush to control our circumstances and often times this involves trying to control God and His plan for us, but Jesus saw the world with faith.
To be honest, I think I always thought that I would never be able to change myself, that it would always have to be God who would perform some amazing miracle in my life and change my attitude toward... well, everything. Which is partially true, but it led to me not even trying to change my attitude about anything. Not that I knew how to, but I just assumed that it wasn't possible.
I think I realize now that it is possible, and that it is probably one of the ways through which God works to change people. I don't know how to do it, I don't want to get stuck in a cycle of trying just to be 'positive' in my thinking and not really relying on the power of the spirit, but I think God will honor whatever effort I make, and I'm sure in his good timing he'll explain everything to me. For now, however, I'm tired of being afraid.
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| I think over the years, or at least since high school in the days when I used to be holy and stuff like that, I've found that I'm growing to love God more every day and like God less every day. I don't even know if that's possible. But that's how I feel.
I'm not amazingly satisfied with my relationship with God. It always comes down to wishing He could help me to be a better person. But I guess as my better half says, I wouldn't need God if I were. Which I understand completely. The moments in which I catch a glimpse of God's love for me and his perfect plans are few and far between, but when I see it, I understand it I guess.
Regardless, I realized the other day that my relationship with God is completely based on what He does for me. I feel like He doesn't love me if He doesn't take care of me in the way that I think he should, etc. Which is why I think I find it so hard to believe that God actually loves me. I obviously know that He does, but I guess that's just because it's what I've been told for so long. I never had a chance to figure it out for myself so I kind of just never believed it with the vigor with which I've seen some people believe.
That's not really what I'd want from a child of mine. I would like them to be dependent on me, but I wouldn't want them to love me or recognize my love for them based on how often I buy them candy or let them rent movies or play video games. And that's not how I am with my parents either. I'd actually rather they not help me as much as they do (if you know what I mean, my unemployed friends). I enjoy talking with my mom and sometimes my dad, when we have the opportunity to talk. I enjoy our relationship without anyone wanting anything from anyone else apart from unconditional love. I guess that's the same with all relationships huh.
God, here I come. Bring me to you, cause I can't make it on my own accord.
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| when God reminds me that I am, in fact, no superman.
I guess that was always the dream. That i'd be the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend (Husband, Provider, Protector), the perfect friend, the perfect leader, etc. I think it was always something that I'd strive so hard for, and if I didn't reach it I'd hate myself.
But.. I'm not.
That's it, that's all. That's today's epiphany. goodbye.
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| A few months ago I wrote a post about how I would have a lot more freedom in my life if I didn't have God. I'd be free to push myself, free to grow up and learn how to do everything on my own, without God holding my hand.
I just watched this skit online a few days ago in which a guy is talking to God and he says "God... I get up every morning and I look in the mirror and I see this scared little kid who gets up every day and tries to dress like an adult and act like an adult... but I can't."
I realized that's exactly how I feel every day. A few months ago I said that maybe God doesn't want us to grow up because He's selfish and He wants us to hold his hand forever. But when I watched this video, God said to me.. "Matt... I don't do it for me. I do it for you."
I've always been a scared little kid not knowing how to live my life or if my life is even worth living. Maybe that's why God wants to hold my hand. And hold my hand He does.
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| Because there are so many dreams that we can chase but I've realized that none of them will ever be fulfilled. And so I look upward and forward, to a place where love can be made complete.
But for the few seconds that we're here on earth, I will sink in his grace like it's an infinitely deep ball pit in McDonalds.
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